imagination doesn’t equal false hope

I’ve realised I never do something I used to do all the time. Which is dream about having a boyfriend, laugh all you want but that used to be my life. Maybe it’s because I’ve grown up and I just got bored of dreaming and thinking about something until I tossed and turned and felt sick. (I’m making it sound worse than it is) but I literally used to do that every night. I used to call it my dream land and it was great. I’d do all these things with my crush at the time. We’d raise a family together , he’d go with me to all my pregnancy appointments , we’d meet and fall in love in weird and wacky places like as mermaids or fairies and it never occurred to me up until about year eleven that I felt like this was hopeless dreaming. That I was never going to run away (or swim away) into the mermaid sunset with my crush , that this was waiting time , that my career aspirations were  the bigger dream. My mind set just completely changed when i turned 15 . I’d given up on love before it even had a chance to happen. I was set in a mindset were it wasn’t worth thinking about anyone at all, and it makes me wonder why my dreams have become a bit… Bland. Anyway when I put my head on the pillow tonight I dreamed about someone and it was such a nostalgic yet pleasant feeling. And it made me question why I thought it was so wrong. Yes I was probably never going to end up with these people. But maybe that’s what was so great about it that I was selfish enough I indulge myself in that illusion and that I was forever hopeful that some how in some way we would go out one day. It made me realise I miss the hopefulness and reassurance of myself and how I used to be so sure of myself in year 7 and 8 , well except from loving my body. It almost seems the way i feel about myself and my values has  completely flipped through out the years.
To conclude , practical or not , time waster or not It made me hopeful and I need to feel like that more often . As nice as the feeling is too look cool and prove myself to people I miss the heart of my first opinions and beginnings. I hate to think I just completely abandoned the person I once was and the person who made me , me.
Self note – must keep dreaming about the impossible ( and of course mermaids and fairies)
Somerandom … Actually let’s start something new
Love your ever hopeful seventeen year old 🙂

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