Waiting around for love

Why do we try to make love happen when there is no love there to make it happen?

Actually , let me rephrase that. Why do I try and make love happen when there is no love there to make it happen?
I think like many others, there is a difference between actually feeling something for someone and making yourself feel something for the sake of passing time. For example, I admittedly use to like someone who had a girlfriend, ( not one of my proudest moments I can tell you that) 

However I would like to clarify I never acted on this , and the guy never made any interaction with me of that kind. I just liked him because I liked him. Sometimes you don’t need an explanation. I think some times that’s how you know you like someone. they pop up into your mind without even trying , there’s just something about but at the same time nothing in particular. When you really like someone you like them, there is no question about it.
But recently my vision has been blurred. I don’t know what happened , maybe I just lost my way for a second , but sometimes I get a bit scared and I confuse enjoying romantic love with needing romantic love. And here’s what I’ve learnt , I don’t need it . And I certainly don’t need it from people I’m forcing myself to like. What made this guy ( different guy, not the guy who has a girlfriend)confusing is that once a upon a time I did like him and I wanted him to like me. But in that period on when he decided to finally be intersected , I’d move on. I really felt like after leaving that state in my life Id grew up and to some extent I had. But because my mind remembers a time when I did like him , I was holding on. I was waiting to like him.and yes I will admit a few times I did get butterflies , I worried when he wouldn’t reply back. But sometimes when he talked to me I’d feel nothing and even worse I’d dread when he would message me because I knew I didn’t want to talk to him. But still I was hanging on. Earlier in the day in which I finally decided that I was going to stop trying to make it happen. I must of at three consecutive times of the day stared at his name in the list of my contacts. This task had been easy to do before when I knew completely I’d never be interested in these boys. But this time I found it hard, even though I knew we would never work apart of me did like him. But It just wasn’t enough. And the worse thing I could of done would of been to never let him go whilst I’d wait around for something more only to of waste his time and hurt him more when I found out I didn’t like him as much as I thought. 

Love and dating in my world always needed to be simple. My feelings always needed to be certain. Yes I enjoyed talking to him and I liked him but that’s why he had to go. Everyone deserves to be loved fully and I wasn’t sure. But I always knew the guy with the girlfriend I had liked before that was 100 percent certain. I mean was all in! I even remember saying that if any moment he’d somehow be single I would totally make a move , (which is really unlike me, so I knew!). I think Sometimes we get caught up in two outlooks the first: “someone finally talking to me so I should talk to them no matter what” or…: ” I might as well talk to them to pass some time” we get caught up with likening the attention someone’s giving you. 
I don’t what to get get caught up in that anymore. I don’t want to make love happen anymore . I most certainly want to wait around for love . I just want to live my live and deal with the loneliness as it comes. And when I like someone I’ll know. they’ll be no question. I’ve just not got to get caught up in the fear of being alone. I need to put my needs first and my career first because that’s all you can focus on.if I the young being I am give any advice, Try not to loose yourself for the sake of love because with the right person you won’t have to. 

And to the boy I am no longer speaking with . I’m sorry I wasn’t sure. I’m sorry I talked to you longer then i should of done. and I’m sorry I stopped talking without a proper explanation. But if you are who I think your are , you’ll move on and you’ll get over me so quick that you’ll forget I existed. Just like you did before you knew me. 
 A part of me wants to feel like I got through this year by myself , without waiting around or feeling suffocated and I don’t think I can do that by pleasing the people I care so little about . Who knows when l’ll actually be ready for a relationship! but for now I’m happy to live in my own world and be with myself a little longer. 
Your ever hopeful 17 year old xx


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