I’m not broken hearted
I’m just an idiot
I know I’ve waited around , I know I haven’t put myself first and I know I invested too much on my time
I know I’ve made excuses
I can’t force my body to burn itself out
What’s the point?
“It’s…. not a big deal”
It HAS to be not a big deal
I’m aware of knowing the danger of what I am doing
I feel it everyday
My mind pulsates a hundred miles per hour whilst it calculates the winnings of the day
My body throws itself through its turbulent motions like a heart monitor on a sick patient whilst I scream and cry and beg for it all to be the way I want.
And when I finally win , my mind finds a new problem to fester it’s cells on.
There is no relief.
But this isn’t a cry for help
Not only am I aware of the damages of what I’m doing to myself
I know this doesn’t end tomorrow
I’m just trying to find a light in my narrow tunnel.
But Believe me I will be crawling to the other side even with nothing of me left
I have to
I have to fight for myself
I simply can not control the people in my life and I never wanted to
I can not control who cares for me and who wants to be there
And I can not control who wants to put me first
As much as it hurts
And I question why everyday there isn’t room for me in their lives
I simply can not put myself through that questionable Torture again and again
Because it is, exactly that.